The Quest for the Golden Ticket

Socratic Dialogue

Politics is about being everything to everyone, especially the leader

By Plutonix

In the labyrinthine world of politics, the quest for electoral tickets is akin to a high-stakes game, where contenders must juggle ambition, pragmatism, and unwavering loyalty. Join us as we delve into the humorous yet enlightening dialogue between the venerable philosopher Socrates, known for his questioning approach, and the seasoned political sage Cephalus, a wealthy and experienced elder with a keen interest in politics. Through their banter, we uncover the hidden truths and absurdities of the electoral process, where principles are often sacrificed at the altar of expediency, and where the road to success is paved with compromises and unexpected twists.

Golden Ticket. Pic – Business Standard

Setting: The dialogue takes place in a quaint Athenian tavern, nestled in a bustling marketplace. Outside, the sounds of the marketplace drift through the open doorway, blending with the distant echoes of political rallies and street performers. It is a scene of timeless intrigue, where philosophy and politics collide in a whirlwind of wit and wisdom.

Socrates: Ah, Cephalus, my old friend! I hear the winds of election are blowing once more. Tell me, what advice do you have for our aspiring politicians?

Cephalus: Ah, Socrates! Politics, my dear fellow, is a game of skill, money, and the right connections. It’s not just about having noble ideas or good intentions.

Socrates: Indeed, Cephalus. But isn’t it true that the youth and even the seasoned politicians are all vying for electoral tickets as if they were golden fleece?

Cephalus: (Laughs) Yes, they are! Each one dreams of fame, glory, and, dare I say, wealth. But what many often forget is the myriad of factors at play.

Socrates: Pray, enlighten me. What are these factors?

Cephalus: In different countries, the game changes. Cultural, religious, and political norms shape the race. In Mauritius, we even have caste considerations. Party leaders have to balance these with the candidates’ cash contributions. A few million rupees can work wonders.

Socrates: So, are you saying that an aspiring politician must not only be virtuous but also wealthy?

Cephalus: Virtue? (Chuckles) Oh, Socrates, if only virtue were enough. A candidate must align with the community’s profile—caste, religion, and all. They must also shower the party leader with loyalty, as he holds the power to distribute tickets.

Socrates: I see. And what of gender equality?

Cephalus: The party leader ensures there are enough women candidates to appease the calls for gender equality. But let’s be honest, the real criterion is electability.

Socrates: So, Cephalus, if I were an aspiring candidate, how should I proceed?

Cephalus: First, find a generous benefactor or become one yourself. Money talks, my friend. Then, make sure your background matches the constituency’s profile. Be ready to bow and scrape before the party leader, and don’t forget to curry favour with any potential allies.

Socrates: And what of principles and education?

Cephalus: Principles are a luxury for the poor, and education is merely a feather in the cap. What’s needed is the right connections and a good amount of cash.

Socrates: Ah, Cephalus, it seems that the path to an electoral ticket is fraught with compromises.

Cephalus: (Sighs) Indeed, Socrates. Politics is not for the faint-hearted or the principled, but for those who can play the game well.

Socrates: Perhaps, then, my advice to aspiring candidates would be to not lose their soul in the process. For what does it profit a man to gain an electoral ticket and lose his integrity?

Cephalus: Wise words, Socrates, but in the world of politics, idealism often takes a back seat to pragmatism. Nonetheless, a bit of wisdom never hurts.

Socrates: So, Cephalus, what else should our aspiring politicians know? Surely there must be more to this art of acquiring electoral tickets.

Cephalus: Oh, indeed, Socrates. It’s a complex dance. Besides wealth and alignment with the constituency’s profile, one must exhibit an almost acrobatic level of loyalty to the party leader and his whims.

Socrates: Loyalty, you say? So, if the leader fancies a particular brand of olive oil, should one become an olive oil connoisseur, or better, masseur overnight?

Cephalus: (Laughs) Exactly! If he says jump, you ask, “How high?” If he says kneel, you ask, “How low?” If he prefers his coffee with seven sugars, you make sure it’s ready before he even thinks of it. Unwavering loyalty, my friend.

Socrates: (Chuckling) Ah, the lengths to which one must go! It seems that an aspiring politician must be ready to adapt to any whim. But tell me, what if the leader has a peculiar hobby, say, collecting rare beetles? Must our candidate become an entomologist as well?

Cephalus: (Grinning) Of course! If the leader loves beetles, our candidate must become the foremost expert on beetles. If the leader’s passion is ballroom dancing, our candidate must waltz their way to favour. Politics is about being everything to everyone, especially the leader.

Socrates: And what of our candidate’s own passions and principles? Are they to be cast aside like last season’s toga (a loose, draped outer garment worn by citizens of ancient Rome)?

Cephalus: (Winking) Principles? Passions? Those are luxuries for philosophers, not politicians. In politics, one’s principles must be as flexible as a contortionist in a circus.

Socrates: Ah, speaking of circuses, Cephalus, it seems our candidate must also be a master of public speaking. A silver tongue, you said. Should they perhaps moonlight as an actor to hone their oratory skills?

Cephalus: (Laughs) Precisely! A bit of drama can turn the tide. Imagine a speech so moving it brings tears to the eyes of even the most stoic voter. A good actor can make the voters believe in anything—even a promise as elusive as a needle in a haystack.

Socrates: (Grinning) So, our aspiring politician must be part fundraiser, part community chameleon, part sycophant, part tightrope walker, part spouse hunter, part orator, part charmer, part actor and part… masseur.

Cephalus: (Laughs heartily) You’ve got it, Socrates! A true politician is a master of many trades yet known primarily for getting elected.And let’s not forget the golden rule for aspiring candidates: Secure funding. Ensure you have enough resources or backers. A campaign without cash is like a ship without sails.

Socrates: Indeed, Cephalus. Thus, my advice to aspiring candidates is as follows:While maintaining integrity is important, be pragmatic about the political realities. Sometimes, a little compromise is necessary to get the bigger things done. And build strong connections within the party and with potential allies. It’s all about who you know—and who you can charm. And, lastly, become a master of public speaking. The ability to move an audience is invaluable.

Cephalus: Sage advice, Socrates. Now, let’s hope our aspiring candidates have the stomach for such a feast of political manoeuvering.

Socrates: Indeed, Cephalus. May their ambitions be tempered with wisdom and their campaigns filled with both strategy and sincerity.

Cephalus: And may they always remember to enjoy the circus along the way, for politics without a touch of humour is like a banquet without wine.

Socrates: (Laughs) Well said, Cephalus. Well said.

As the evening wears on and the wine flows freely, Socrates and Cephalus conclude their lively discussion with a toast to the enigmatic world of politics. With a final round of laughter and camaraderie, they bid farewell to the tavern, leaving behind an atmosphere charged with intellectual curiosity and the promise of future philosophical adventures.

Mauritius Times ePaper Friday 31 May 2024