{"id":38747,"date":"2023-10-27T18:26:58","date_gmt":"2023-10-27T14:26:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/?p=38747"},"modified":"2023-10-27T18:26:58","modified_gmt":"2023-10-27T14:26:58","slug":"how-to-get-your-kids-to-talk-about-their-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/how-to-get-your-kids-to-talk-about-their-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"How to get your kids to talk about their feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Many of us grew up not talking about emotions. But as modern parents, we\u2019re told we need to teach our children about their feelings to build their resilience. So how do we do it?<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n

Emotions are core to our human experience, but seeing \u201cnegative\u201d emotions in our children \u2013 anger, fear, jealousy, envy, sadness, resentment \u2013 can make us uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

Strong emotions in our kids may trigger our own emotional reactions, and we may feel lost about the best way to respond.<\/span><\/p>\n

Many of today\u2019s adults grew up not talking about emotions. But as modern parents, we\u2019re told we need to teach our children about their feelings to build their resilience. So how can you encourage your children to talk about their feelings?<\/span><\/p>\n

Research shows kids learn about emotions in four key ways: our parenting, how we explicitly teach them, our behaviour and the family environment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span>Parents can explain how they were feeling in certain situations. James Wheeler\/Unsplash<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

1) Our parenting helps kids name, express and manage emotions<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

As parents, we play an important role in helping children name, express and manage their emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n

But this is often not easy. We might be comfortable teaching our children to recognise when they are hungry, tired and thirsty, but be focused on stopping children\u2019s sadness, fears or anger, rather than on teaching about these emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone feels a range of emotions, and the \u201cnegative\u201d emotions are not inherently bad. Emotions are signals that are important for our survival and help us to understand ourselves and our world. Children often \u201cact out\u201d their emotions, rather than talking about how they feel.<\/span><\/p>\n

When we teach kids that all emotions are healthy, they learn to trust themselves, feel more comfortable sharing their feelings, and view emotions as brief experiences that pass.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, what should we say in the moment?<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Start by describing what you see or observe. \u201cYou sound sad\/angry?\u201d or \u201cYou are looking a little quiet.\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. We often don\u2019t know exactly what our child is feeling. Be tentative and check: \u201cYou look frustrated, is that right?\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Validate: \u201cThat situation was really hard, no wonder you\u2019re frustrated.\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. When our child is upset, we don\u2019t need to say much. Try to listen and connect through eye contact and gentle touch. As University of Houston professor of social work and author Bren\u00e9 Brown reminds us, it is not about having the right words, but instead about offering support and connection.<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. Avoid trying to fix (problem-solve) or distract your child when they are emotional. Support kids to acknowledge and \u201csit with\u201d their feelings.<\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Older children and teens may learn how to start masking their emotions, so we might only see their challenging behaviours. Imagine their behaviour is the tip of an iceberg, caused by emotions under the surface. Try connecting with their emotion rather than focusing only on the behaviour, \u201cYou slammed your door, are you feeling upset?\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    2) Parents can explicitly teach kids about emotions<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    When everyone\u2019s calm (not when you or your child are upset), we can teach kids about emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n

    We can start conversations about emotions based on almost anything your child is interested in, a TV show, video game, movie, or book they\u2019re reading. A great movie for starting the conversation is Inside Out.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Watching emotions in fictional characters normalises emotions as a universal experience and helps kids to recognise more subtle types of emotions and different ways to express and manage emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n

    For older kids who\u2019ve become more self-conscious, try having these discussions when not directly looking at them, in the car, or during an activity (walking, kicking a ball, watching a movie together). Some kids open up more at bedtime. Try to listen more and talk less.<\/span><\/p>\n

    3) Children watch and learn from us<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Many of us grew up in families where parents did not teach us about emotions, or they were poor role models for expressing emotions in healthy ways.<\/span><\/p>\n

    If this is the case, it\u2019s common to view emotions as bad and unhelpful, and believe it\u2019s not good to dwell on feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

    As a result, it can be hard to watch our children experiencing strong negative emotions. If you\u2019re feeling triggered by your child\u2019s emotion, it will help to pause. You can leave the room if necessary. It\u2019s healthy to role-model to kids taking a break when we feel overwhelmed.<\/span><\/p>\n

    If we make a mistake as parents and act in ways we\u2019re not proud of, this is a great opportunity to model to our kids how to make amends.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Explain what you were feeling, that your actions were not okay, and apologise. This gives kids a template for making amends themselves, which is a critical relationship skill.<\/span><\/p>\n

    If you often struggle managing your own emotions, learning about emotions is a good start. Two great books are:<\/span><\/p>\n

    – ‘Permission to Feel’ (Marc Brackett)<\/span>
    \n– ‘The A to Z of Feelings’ (Andrew Fuller and Sam Fuller).<\/span><\/p>\n

    4) Kids are affected by relationships in the family<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Emotions are contagious. Kids are affected by other relationships in the family, including conflict between parents.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Remember, conflict is a healthy human experience and cannot be eliminated. Instead, it\u2019s important to show kids healthy conflict, where we all express emotions in a respectful way.<\/span><\/p>\n

    It\u2019s also important that kids see healthy conflict resolution.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Elizabeth Westrupp<\/span>
    \n<\/strong>Associate Professor in Psychology,
    \nDeakin University
    \n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Christiane Kehoe<\/span>
    \n<\/strong>Research Manager and Program Specialist
    \nTuning in to Kids,
    \nThe University of Melbourne<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n

    Mauritius Times ePaper Friday 27 October 2023<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Many of us grew up not talking about emotions. But as modern parents, we\u2019re told we need to teach our children about their feelings to build their resilience. So how do we do it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":139,"featured_media":38748,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8348],"tags":[41019,27144,13225,20295],"class_list":["post-38747","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-conversation","tag-behavioural-problems","tag-child-behaviour","tag-emotions","tag-parenting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Parents-can-explain.jpg?fit=1200%2C649&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8QzSF-a4X","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38747","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/139"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38747"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38747\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/38748"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38747"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38747"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mauritiustimes.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38747"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}