Mayday! Mayday! Trump Declares Emergency

Letter from New Delhi

Breakfast with Bwana

By Kul Bhushan

President Trump said: “It’s bigger than if China reunites with Taiwan. Bigger than India reuniting with Pakistan. Bigger than Russia reuniting with the former Soviet republics but I have nothing to do with Russia. No collusion. Bigger even that putting the Ottoman Empire back together. But, then I’d have to ruin them economically if they attacked the Kurds.”

So what was the big news?

“I called Theresa May, when I heard her say Mayday! Mayday, she has an emergency you know, the Brexit thing, it’s a mess, believe me, a real mess, and I made a deal. I’m a dealmaker. I like to make deals. I make deals. The best deals. This is the biggest deal ever… I said ‘Terry, this Brexit thing is not going well’. I’ve told her that we’ll reunite the US and Great Britain once again.”

Trump issued a Declaration of Reunification drafted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to come to the rescue of their ally and reunite, a decent respect for Anglo-Saxon traditions requires us to act. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are equal but Anglo-Saxons are more equal than most.

A reporter from Buzzfeed shushed Jim Acosta who was trying to grab the mic from a White House intern and said: “Mr President, may I point out that your ancestry is German, not Anglo-Saxon?”

Trump replied: “All Germans are 1/1024th Anglo-Saxon. So that’s okay. I’m okay with that.”

Details of the President’s plan have been leaked by Fox News hosts UnderHandity and Laura Ingrowntoenail.

Trump proposes that Great Britain will become a US Territory but not a full state. “This way, we don’t have to let the Muslims from Britain travel to the mainland,” he explained.

MAGA (Make America Great Again) will be replaced by MAGBA (Merge America & Great Britain Again). 

“I’m not that keen about keeping Northern Ireland,” the President said. He added: “Too many people coming in from Europe by that route and Terry refuses to build a wall to keep them out. So I said, no wall, no deal. Let the Irish go.”

Trump has proposed that the UK dumps Northern Ireland and let them reunite with the Irish Republic. “I like unions,” he said, “I’m not a union man but I like unions. Big unions. And I told Pelosi that I am going to give my State of the Union speech.”

The liberal media outlets went nuts. “What about the Queen?” shrieked Rachel Maddog. “Trump probably wants to be King,” spat Chris Matthews, saliva drooling down his chin. Lawrence O’Donnell wept openly for 6 minutes until a commercial break mercifully ended the spectacle.

Meanwhile, CNN gave its staff a day off so that they could create fake news while the channel broadcast funeral music from St. Patrick’s Cathedral in London.

Senator Lindsey Graham proposed that Buckingham Palace be renamed Brit House and that the Queen be sent off to Scotland.

“I want to keep Scotland,” Trump said, “I like Scotland. I have golf courses in Scotland. But I don’t drink so I don’t like Scotch.”

Buzzfeed released a report that Scotland Yard is investigating Trump for asking the Queen to make him a prince. The Queen is said to have quipped “Prince McDonald of Turnberry?”

Prince Philip promised not to drive in America: “Couldn’t ever figure out being on the wrong side of the road,” he said. Scotland Yard is investigating the 97-year-old prince for driving on the wrong side of the road and crashing into another vehicle with a baby 96 years his junior.

Hillary Clinton is said to have put in an application to be Queen. Lindsey Graham too.

Cheerz… Bwana

Kul Bhushan worked as a newspaper Editor in Nairobi for over three decades and now lives in New Delhi

* Published in print edition on 25 January 2019